Family System / Joint vs. Nuclear Family System

My article with subject of "Family System" has been published in famous fashion magazine "ASIANA Wedding" (Vol 2, Issue 6, 2012). I hope you will have enjoyable read and will get to learn something new.

Joint vs. Nuclear Family System

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

After my appearance in Pakistan’s leading talk show on subject of pros and cons of different family system. I decided to develop understanding of masses on this important subject. Concern of living in any type of family is not that simple. As individuals there are several forces which motivate us to live in certain order.

This article does not advocate any type of family system, but here attempt is to highlight key family systems, reasons why they exist and what are forces on families that determine their decision in a particular family system. Eventually, after reading this article one will be able to decide, which mode of family living system is likely to bring more comfort and happiness.

In contemporary world, there exists many family systems, but we will be discussing two most popular family types in Pakistan. That is:

• Nuclear Family System
• Joint Family System

Nuclear family is said to be a family system, where a couple (married legally & religiously) is living with their children (adopted or born).

Joint family system is also known as “Extended Family” or “Extended Family System”. In this discussion “joint family system”, will be used for family that is living with two generations, i.e. Grand Parents living with their complete family tree till Grand Children, or Great-Grand Parents living with their whole layer of family tree till Great-Grand Children.

Let us discuss causes as how and why humans decide to live in any type of family system. For ages, humans have been living in societies due to numerous factors, including security, distribution of work and luxury of socializing. 

Being social animal, humans tend live with each others. But humans also like to maintain limits of privacy too. And this need of privacy increases when society attains maturity. It can easily be observed that educated class of any society demands their privacy to be maintained. When this requirement arises, humans tend to make their smaller communes.

Given, nature of humans to be free, it will not be wrong to state that higher the financial strength of society, greater is probability of families to live in nuclear, single-parent or some other isolated setup. That family arrangement will become popular in this case, which allows higher freedom. It might be pointed out that financial strength might not be the only reason of preferred family setup. Yes, there are other factors determining family setup too.

Think for a moment, when in public, why do we act in certain way? We change our body language, tone of voice, dress and all gesture according to that environment. Same way, humans tend to live their life style as per society’s expectation. If it is norm in society for children to establish their separate units after marriage, here is higher probability to have “Nuclear Family System” as popular arrangement in society. And new couples are highly likely to follow the norm.

But determinants do not end here, other than financial factor and norm of society, another key determinant is norm of family. If family tradition is very strong and leave very high influence on its members; then family members are highly likely to stay in family influenced mode of living. This is usually evident in extended family systems, where members are encouraged and expected to show their loyalty to their extended family. i.e. In Pakistan’s tribal areas, where family members have very strong ties. Huge families along with their complete family tree are likely to live in their big houses. 

All three factors complement one another, in case of extended family example. Having one locus of financial control in hands of family head is very important. This can be done either when whole family is dependent on one single source of income, i.e. same agricultural land or some other form of business. Or it can be done through very strong family ties where every member is expected to present portion of their income to head of family; in turn, head of family will manage and distribute finances. This will usually be observed where family association might provide benefits like, respect in society, political influence or might be other power needs that get satisfied by staying with main family name.

Summing up, any mode of family system is acceptable in different circumstances, but while considering any mode of family system, all three key determinants needs to be considered by families very rationally and these three determinants are:

1. Economic strength of individual / welfare of society
2. Socially desired family setup
3. Values of family / Associative strength of family

In case couples demand freedom and is happily willing to compromise on social pressure and does not find key family name as a challenge, they may wish to live in unit family system. Obviously care and respect of parents shall always be considered. In our social setup, couple living with parents might also be considered as mid form of Unit Family System & Joint Family System.

Families’ where members have similar financial status and significant freedom is provided to every couple, they might wish considering joint family or extended family system better. But having strong family values and moral values are very important to live in this system, otherwise regular conflicts among members will be experienced.

To provide one liner, if couple believes more in values and love to live in big family and compromise on their own privacy & freedom they shall live in joint family system. If smaller unit believe they may live in smaller house, and have sufficient financial muscle to support their extended family at distance and support their own smaller unit, they shall opt for nuclear family setup, because in Pakistan, both types of family systems are socially acceptable.

Hence no single mode of living can be said as the best for everyone. Families shall decide their mode of living, considering above provided factors.

This was my attempt of generating awareness about different family systems coupled with advantages and disadvantages of each.

Run Away Grils: Eloping

Problem of ill treatment with women is not of one society; it is global. And in given article, reasons and solution to problem of "Run Away" girls has been discussed.

This article has been published in recent issue(VII) of World Times Magazine, Vol 6. April 2012.

Supernatural Creatures or The Perception of Human Brain

Recently my article about "Supernatural Creatures" is published in World Times Magazine (Vol-6, Issue/III, December 2011)


This article attempts to explain difference between Illusions, Hallucinations and experiencing Supernatural.

Supernatural Creatures

Or

The Perception of Human Brain?

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

Does Supernatural exist? Or they exist in human brain only? Contemporary world; consider it to be myth of past. Call them ghosts, spirits, or whatever. Have you ever observed or met a ghost or a spirit? Many will answer in negation. Majority of the people who can reply the above question in “yes” their experiences lack evidence; but share commonality. Those who have not experienced any such supernatural; can argue that here exists simply no support and this topic shall not be discussed, but still literature, movies and tales include super naturals.

Super Naturals are bifurcated in 3 major categories:

1) Spirits

2) Ghosts /Jinnis

3) Angels

Spirits are said to be human soul which comes out from the body as a result of transformation from life to death. Ghosts, commonly known as “jinn” in Urdu, are said to be altogether different species, having capability of living over more than this planet. They are believed to be mortals like humans, yet made of light/fire. Angels, according to different religious believes may differ; but they are believed to be made of light/fire like ghosts, but they are immortals and execute commands of God.

Most common traits about super naturals are:

1) They can vanish and appear any moment.

2) They are free from constraints of space and time.

3) Capability to look like any human or animal.

4) In their presence strange wave passes within body.

5) At times; strong feeling of fear may be experienced; even person willing to commit suicide will not enter in room, where presence of Super Natural is assured.

6) Often said to be big white un-identifiable or non-explainable object.

7) If in form of human, they are said to have big red pepper styled eyes.

Let me share experiences of those, who claim to have conversation with super naturals. Such incidents quoted by sane and educated people, raise question as why will they lie about it? If they are telling truth then what was that? Most common traits quoted with respect to observation are:

1)

They may communicate in dream like situation; where one can hardly differentiate his/her state was fully awake or sleeping.

2) While listening, weeping due to fear may trigger.

3) Communication may not necessarily follow any language. Just feeling gets transferred about what supernatural is saying.

4) Speech is often with echo effect i.e. humans speak in state of flu

5) And when it is not conversation; but voices are heard from large distance. Language is said to be native like. Yet cannot be understood.

Other than observations and communication; few instances have taken in my consideration which seems too difficult to comprehend for those who have never experienced. Few cemeteries are said to be haunted, where spirits can be observed at certain time. Stories of haunted houses, where people get terrified, kicked, slapped or shaken up while sleeping.

Being a psychologist, people often share such experiences with me. A student of mine, who is a house wife, shared her experience with me. She was living in big old house and she forgot the TV remote control at top floor of house and came down to ground floor; she heard allot of stories about presence of ghost in that house but she never believed. Being extremely fatigued; she just wished and communicated in her heart. If here is really some ghost; please bring that TV remote control from top floor. In less than fraction of second, TV remote control was thrown at table. She experienced intense fear and had to shift house.

One of my friend claimed that he had experienced such incidents twice. He told that around 2:00 am he was shook by somebody to wake up. Perceiving someone unfamiliar in his room, made him terrified. He claimed that the jinn penetrated in his body and communicated with him. His other family members witness the change in his voice during that state. Second time when the jinn came he was not even terrified as the atmosphere of the room became enlightened and peaceful. This time the jinn gave him few advices to offer prayers and respect and love few identified people and then vanished.

It is not necessary that everyone one of us have experienced conversation, but provided minor incidents might have been experienced by us; and we tagged it as false observation. Common observations include feeling as if someone has walked from back, or false observation of movement in another room. In some instances few people claims to hear clear sound of reading/recitation from some abandoned room of house; sound of footsteps from upper floor, sounds as if some furniture is being dragged; all these observations become strange when it comes from residents who may live in single story villa. Having no possibility to have furniture over their roof top; to which any thief may wish to adjust at mid of night.

All these stories may be categorized as fiction; but having huge set of people claiming almost same experience? Provoke higher level interest; yet, those who deny, in their natural need wish to either experience it or prove it to be wrong; this is why here attempt has been made to enlist, time, places or other circumstances where super naturals have said to be observed.

1) Abandoned Places

a. It can be vacant house, ruins of some castle/house

b. Jungle (Where humans hardly visit)

c. This can be even some room of house i.e. store room or some place at top floor where hardly anyone visits.

d. Grave Yards (Sound of cries or laughter)

2) At Night, often late hours

3) Abandoned and old trees

4) Buildings with 20 to 30 years of age (less or not populated).

5) Places, where you fear for no reason. It may be any room of your own house.

6) Dirty places/Wash room

Modern science is not able to provide satisfactory evidence in its support. Although; observing something that cannot be observed by others, is known as hallucination. But this is often due to serious malfunctioning of brain; which can be medically diagnosed. And it seems impossible for normal people to experience anything which we call super naturals. But some of the normal people can experience hallucination in severe depression. For example majority of the people after the loss of a loved one claim that the spirit comes to visit them or after a break-up one can feel the presence of the loved one around him/her.

This opens door for another possibility; to which we call Illusion; Illusions are circumstances where humans misinterpret physical object, with respect to visuals. For example, having one’s unconscious mind already occupied by fears; some illusions may take place; i.e. hanging kite may be misinterpreted as some ghost's face or hanging cloths may feel like dead body to some. Although Illusions are visual misinterpretations only; But here exists set of people who are neither suffering from hallucination nor have fears. But still they claim to have experience of conversations as well.

Another very strong argument would be that “Our eyes see, what our mind wants to perceive” i.e moon can be perceived as “Roti” (bread) by a severely hungry or starved person, as our perceptions are greatly influenced by our desires, feelings, wishes, apprehensions, fears and motivations.

Here is great amount of information available and discussed regarding ghosts, daemon, evil spirits, holy spirits, vampires and several observations about haunted places. But it never reached to any conclusion; those who have experienced, believe, others deny. But it definitely identifies human thirst to know more.

How to Manage Aggression

Aggression, is one of most interesting motive in field of psychology. Here attempt has been made to elaborate its practical side with respect to its management in day to day activities. I hope; it will be valued learning and enjoyable reading.

I have provided text of my article; some of my readers requested that due to slow internet and restriction over picture files in offices and universities, they fail to enjoy reading. I believe they all shall be delighted now.

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How to Manage Aggression?

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

Aggression is considered to be one of the human motives. It comes under the category of psychological or social motives. Although psychological/social motives are not important for one’s existence or survival; but these motives play so much important part in our lives that sometimes our whole life is spent to achieve these motives. Sometimes these motives are so persistence in us, that they became the permanent characteristics of our personality.

What is Aggression/Anger?

Aggression refers to any behavior that is hostile, destructive and violent. Aggression is considered to be a psychological plus physiological state in which you try to hurt the other party. We hurt; attack, or sometimes kill each other during aggression. Broadly speaking aggressive behavior has the intention to inflict injury or to harm the targeted person. Examples include physical assault, using abusing language, throwing or destroying objects or even self harming.

Categories of Aggression:

Broadly speaking aggression is classified into 2 main categories

1) Hostile Aggression

2) Instrumental Aggression

Hostile Aggression:

As described earlier, hostile aggression has the aim of harming, hurting, injuring or sometimes killing the other person; examples of hostile aggression are slapping, punching, kicking, abusing etc. The hurting in hostile aggression may be physical, mental or both.

Instrumental Aggression:

Instrumental aggression is somewhat different from the hostile aggression. Its aim is not to hurt or injure the other party, but the person uses aggression in order to satisfy some other motive. In fact the person uses aggression as a way to achieve his/her goals. For example a teacher shows aggression in the class to maintain the discipline of the class or a child throwing things to get an ice-cream of his choice.

In this article, we will be focusing more on the Hostile Aggression. Hostile aggression in itself has few sub-classifications; all these types are interrelated and interconnected to each other. One can show his/her aggression either by choosing one way or more then one way. We will briefly discuss them.

i) Physical/Verbal Aggression

ii) Active/Passive Aggression

iii) Direct/Indirect Aggression

Physical/Verbal Aggression:

As the name indicate this type of aggression aims to hurt or injure the victim either physically or by words, and sometimes both. The typical example of physical aggression is when we physically injure the other party. The physical torture might also be accompanied by different weapons like hunters, guns and pistols etc. Whereas in verbal aggression the purpose of the person is to harass or harm the victim by his/her words. This type of aggression is most common as in our day to day life we often see people using abusive language or shouting at others.

Active/Passive Aggression:

In this type of anger, people show their aggression either by their overt behavior of they show their aggression in a passive way by frustrating the other party by their behavior. In active aggression your aggression is obvious and visible to the victim. Example of active aggression could be stabbing, shooting or killing an enemy. Passive aggression has even more interesting characteristics in itself. People adapt this way of aggression when the other party is more influential or powerful or he/she does not have enough courage to show the aggression overtly. In passive aggression the aim of the person is to frustrate the other person and in that way they satisfy their aggression. One of the most common examples in husband and wife relationship is when one spouse deliberately stops talking to the other one or start ignoring his/her partner, or listening to loud music when the other one is sleeping, or a servant deliberately burning the clothes while ironing or putting intense salt or spices in the dish to satisfy his anger.

Direct/Indirect Aggression:

The difference between direct and indirect anger is that in direct aggression to come at the front or show face to face aggression, whereas in indirect aggression you take the help of the 3^rd party to harm the victim without showing yourself at the front. The most common example of indirect aggression is when someone hires a profession killer to shoot the enemy.

A few of the common examples in which the person shows a blend of aggression categories are discussed here for further clarification.

· Kicking or slapping the victim (direct, active, physical)

· Abusing or shouting over the victim (direct, active, verbal)

· Cracking a dirty joke over the victim (direct, passive, physical)

· Spreading wrong propaganda against victim (direct, passive, verbal)

· Pushing someone standing in a queue (indirect, active, physical)

· Stop talking to the other person (indirect, passive, verbal)

· Rejecting or refusing to do an important assignment (indirect, passive, physical)

Few Tips to Manage Your Anger/Aggression:

· Give a vent to your anger. Anger gets aggravated if it is accumulated inside you for long period of time. So instead of shouting at the people in anger it’s always a good idea to shout loudly in an empty room. Shout, scream, cry or even breaking a plate can calm down your aggression.

· Try to relax yourself by taking deep breaths. It usually helps a lot.

· Involve yourself in some physical work like cleaning the bathroom or washing dishes or sometimes its good to throw your cloths out of your wardrobe and start arranging them again.

· Learn to act and not react. Reaction towards something usually embarrasses you when you come out of the sate of anger.

· Avoid the anger provoking situation. Try not to discuss those hot topics that vent your anger. Try to have less interaction with those people who stimulates your anger.

Relationship break-ups; An Increased cause of despair

My article regarding relationship break-ups and its key reasons accompanied with solutions has been published in recent month (March 2011), World Times magazine.
We should respect and take care of those people whom we love, "either by making a relation or breaking a relation."

It is about key concern of upcoming generation, that is "relationship break-ups". Primarily due to high expectations from other party and due reliance over mode of communication that lack non-verbal cues. Without realizing its repercussions.

In this busy world, where everyone is lacking time, flame of suspicions burn castle of trust in ashes. Plus; in eastern cultures as of ours, cultural restrains and mountainous high limitations also cause young couples to break-up before getting into bond of marriage

Last, but not least. At times, very loving members step away from life of loved ones, assuming that their presence may cause some negativity.

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Relationship Break-ups……An Increased Cause of Despair!

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

Break-up is a term that is very commonly used for the “Ending of a relationship” A break-up can be between siblings, parent-child, relatives, friends or between husband and wife. But since one cannot completely breakup relations socially and legally with his/her immediate blood relatives (especially in the eastern cultures) so normally focus stays over friends and the intimate relationships. It is usually said that “A broken relationship is better than a disturbed one” but often it is not very easy to break a disturbed relationship; as members are either emotionally financially or socially dependent over and other; that they prefer to drag a disturbed relationship then to go for a broken one.

Break-ups usually are very depressing and emotionally shacking. Longer the duration of relationship, more difficult and depressing would be the break-up, and more time will be required to overcome. But sometimes, time durations does not matter, as people develop strong bounding in few days, and studies show that they undergo the same level of anxiety and depression as any other couple having long duration relationship. Sometimes it takes years or even a life time to heal the wounds of a break-up.

Most Common Causes of Break-ups:

Lack of communication or miscommunications:

One of the biggest problems of today’s world is that majority has busy routine. Either it be a house wife or a busy professional, everyone is lacking in time. This leads to increased gap. Moreover texting messages or sending e-mails is very common these days, but one of the biggest drawbacks of such channel of communication is the absence of non-verbal cues (facial and voice expressions) so the chances of misinterpretations increases. So we should be very careful to choose the right kind of channel of communication while conveying our emotions and feelings to our companions.

High expectations from the partner:

Majority expects other partner to be more adaptable; and should change for us. At the same time we perceive our self is perfect and do not require any alterations. This in one way or the other makes the other partner feels down and ultimately hurts his/her ego. It is suggested that both the partners should be flexible to change a few of their habits to win the love of their partner.

Family or Parental Pressures:

Societal or family pressures are another very common cause of relationship breakups especially in eastern countries or places where families or parents take marriage and other important decisions on behalf of their children. Relationships are very vulnerable when families jump into the private and personal matters of a couple and apply restrictions. In such situations one should not spoil a smooth relation just because of such constrains.

Lack of Trust

Suspecting or doubting the intentions of your partner often leads to disasters. Suspicion arises when you start feeling insecure or stop trusting your love. One of the common causes of this could be a third party or some jealous person who intervenes in your relationship and provokes you to doubt your partner. So instead of trusting what other people say, listen to the voice of your heart and have trust and faith over your love.

Conflicting and Mismatched Personalities/Age gap

Most of the time in the beginning of a relationship due to physical appeal or some other attractions people accept each other’s different personalities open heartedly, but as time passes by and relationship grows older, their patience level deteriorates and disliking from both ends come up. So in case of having opposite interests, try to find the positive aspects in those opposite habits and traits of your companion instead of getting irritated.

The Other Side of Picture:

Being a psychologist I come across a lot of incidents almost daily that result in a breakup due to the above mentioned reasons. As majority of these causes are the ones that are conflicting and clashing and that can finish the element of love and result in breakup. But things are not always the same i.e. Relationship does not only end when you stop loving your partner, but it also happens when u start loving your partner more and more. This seems to be quite confusing and weird but it’s true. Here I would like to quote a few of the incidents to make my point clearer.

One of my clients deliberately ditched his partner and broke up the relationship as he was suffering from a STD (sexually transmitting disease) and he never wanted to see his partner dying in agony and misery of that disease. I still remember I could very well see the depth of his love in shedding tears.

In another incidence the female companion prefers and opted for a break-up as she knew that their continued relationship could cause problems in the upcoming life of her partner. The societal and religious barriers were another cause of mental torture for her companion. She had well perceived the fact that her existence in his life will not only affect his mental health but his future could also be at stake due to her presence in his life. So she quietly moved away from his life. I can memorize vividly how much mental agony and misery she faced after the breakup but she faced it boldly and accepted it happily because “she loved him”. And for her, his happiness and success in life was more important than any other thing.

In the end I will just re-emphasize that relationships are precious. No one in this world is luckier than the one who has got sincere people around him/her. It takes years to make a relation and few second to destroy it. So we should respect and take care of those people whom we love, “either by making a relation or by breaking a relation”.

Overeating and Depression

Respected Readers,

It is of utmost delightment that my recent article got published in Chef Special; about over eating and depression. It has been my area of interest for quite a while, I observed numerous samples, while counseling and though my general observation. But after diving deep into literature; accompanied with empirical research; I realized that here exist significant link between over eating and depression. Have enjoyable reading.

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Stress & Depression Leads to Over Eating & Obesity:

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

Tasty and tempting food is enjoyed by almost all normal human beings; yet few get to control their appetite and others let themselves flow over circumstances. One general observation about majority of hospitals around the globe depicts increased trend of diseases related with overeating and obesity. Other than being fan of tasty foods, and taking it as form of enjoyment, there are other reasons people get to eat more than their required diet. One of the key reasons is “Stress & Depression”. YES! It has been an established fact by now that humans tend to take more food when they are stressed or depressed. By now it is quite hard to identify that either depression induces obesity or its other way around. It is often believed that it is “Two Way Street”, but dilemma of chicken/egg problem stays.

What is Stress Eating: Stress eating occurs when we try to resolve a problem or conflict by eating, as eating is considered to be a “pleasure” for almost all human beings, so in order to gain pleasure and divert our attention form the stressful situation we eat, even when we are not hungry.

In order to keep things simple; before we proceed, let us have a look at some of stress inducing factors that are likely to lead to depression. Some of most common factors are:

• Death of a loved one

• Marital problems

• Major personal injury or prolonged illness

• Academic failure

• Unable to cope with educational burden

• Pregnancy

• Increased work load

• Change in living conditions

• Sleeplessness

• Divorce/ Broken Relationship

• Serious arguments with girlfriend or boyfriend

• Change in eating habits

• Financial issues

• People’s undue expectations from you

• Unstable political or economic condition of the country

Due to whatever factor humans get depressed, they are likely to increase or decrease level of food intake. Majority goes for increased food intake; now question is why do they do so? There are several believes about it. Although; one thing is sure that Humans see “Satisfaction in Eating” in state of depression. As during depression we feel “Worthless” and lost “Self Esteem” it is likely that we start focusing to the basic needs. And food seems to elevate us by making us filled to upper level of needs. Although as source of depression stays in our mind. We get back to level one, and take support of food as it helped us in past.

Commonly heavy eaters elaborate it as act of attaining “Euphoric feeling” (feeling of joy). Although it just serves as food for more food craving. Just like initial stage drug addiction cycle. Temporarily heavy food input satisfy physiological motive, and one feels satisfied for short interval of time; latter “feeling of guilt” due to failure of self control takes over, and promises are made to self that tomorrow or in future it will be different. With time that self esteem is further killed with failed self control and overeating becomes addiction in itself. As every next time desire is to take even more food to attain that “Euphoric feeling”, Over eating also results in over sleeping, eventually leading to obesity and poor motor skills, physical appearance, movement problems, lower resistance to temperatures and many other sources combined results in greater depression. And this spiral destroys human life, emotionally and physically.

Now question arise how to control it? Obviously by breaking this cycle, solution to this we will start with a quotation that will summarize overall philosophy and solution.

“Know yourself & Know your enemy, you can win 100 battles without disaster”

Here is a difference between obesity and overweight; but for now we will try to use words interchangeably. For brief explanation Obesity = %age weight. And Overweight is dependent over BMI (Body Mass Index), we are providing this information here because we need to know our limits; and to avoid being overweight we at least need to know at what limit we will be considered over weight?

BMI Formula = KG/ (Meter*Meter), Pounds/ (Inch*Inch)

BMI	Weight Status
Below 18.5	Underweight
18.5 -24.9	Normal
25 - 29.9	Overweight
30 & Above	Obese

National Institute of Mental Health (USA) found that nearly one out of four cases of obesity is associated with a mood or anxiety disorder.

How to overcome this problem:

In order to get away from this problematic spiral, first step is to get weighing machine and determine your target. Choosing the right kind of food is the first step towards the solution of this problem. Try to choose such foods that are less oily and less sweet but more nutritious. Avoid all kinds of junk food and drinks. Exercise is greatest way to reduce weight, moment we start burning our fats, depression seems to burn too. Exercising requires strong self control to just start it; for initial few weeks it requires winning battle of self commitment daily; after that it follows. Take out your depression over treadmill or jogging track. We live in dynamic world; where nothing is consistent, so is the source of your depression; soon it will be covered in dust of time. Plus keep your expectation lowest from this world, so low that you stay prepared for worst. Return more love to world, while establishing courage to say “NO!” especially to your own self. Buy new cloths, as form of celebration whenever you attain weight reduction goal. Letting yourself flow with time, will only leave you over others. Nothing positive will happen at its own; Take control of your destiny or someone else will. Have a happy, healthy and stress free life: it’s precious.