This Article of mine was published in World Time Magazine August 2010; about very interesting subject “Is it more important to love or to be loved?” I hope you to have enjoyable reading; Please do provide me with your feedback afterwards.

Please click over images to enlarge.

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Is It More Important “To Love” or “To be Loved”?

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

It has been commonly said that if one needs to live a happy life; he should marry the person who loves him, instead of the one whom he loves. If we believe in argument above; long story gets short and chapter seems to be getting closed. Though this rule of thumb may not work always; and one can only wish if enigma of “love” would be this simpler. This rabbit hole goes much deeper than it seems apparently. In fact both of the dimensions of love are interlinked and interdependent on each other. In order to enjoy the status of “Being Loved” it is very much important that one must know “what love is?” and this can only be known when a person himself / herself falls in love and must experience how it actually feels.

What is Love?

In case it is asked from you what is Love? You may find yourself puzzled; though majority of the dictionaries explains its meaning as “An intense feeling of deep affection”, “A great interest and pleasure in something”. Often it is observed that most hyped denomination of love is “Romantic Love” and due to lot of influence thrown by media, it has become most common perception about love among majority of us. But love just does not mean hero / heroines of a movie holding hands heading towards beach at sunset; it is somewhat more complex than this.

In order to understand love in depth; we first need to know the important types of love. For this we can further divide love with help of three Greek words. Regardless of their spiritual and mythological background; this most simplified classification seems best for understanding “Love”

These three Categories of Love are as follows:

- Eros (Romantic Love)

- Philia (Friendly Love)

- Agape (Pure Love)

Eros (Romantic Love)

As the word (Eros) represents itself; this is “Erotic Love”. Its initial developmental stage is considered to be fastest amongst all; it gets triggered due to physical or alluring appeal, self interests and other external variables. When people usually make such statements like “I have fallen in love” or “I am experiencing love at first sight”, it is more likely that they are experiencing Eros (Romantic Love).Though these statements soon seem to evaporate as soon as harsh words are exchanged between both parties and they experience conflict between their self interests. Such conflicts can lead to frustration resulting in decline of Eros (Romantic Love). This type of love is often experienced in Man-Woman relation; where both look forward to live as couple. This type of love is fastest to grow; and fastest to shed away as well.

Eros (Romantic Love) is more Self-Centered; but it is great for initial relationship development. This type of love does not contain even slightest flavor of logic. It just grows with flow of sentimental emotions; and same is the reason of its decline; that it is more concerned with “Self”. Having a very high reliance over external variables i.e. relationship status, environment, time, and physical appeal; the moment any of these key supporting element moves away; lovingly feelings also change their route.

Philia (Friendly Love)

Philia (Friendly Love) has its “Reliability” somewhat higher than Eros (Romantic Love), as this relies more over logic; both parties have something in common, especially with respect to their interests.

This type of love is often experienced between friends, best-friends, fellowship, colleagues, or may be siblings. In this category one just enjoys the company of another person. As the interests of both parties match so one feels more comfort and ease in the companionship of the loved one. As it’s often well said that basis of every relationship should be based on healthy friendship; as only then long-term understanding and interest in one another could be maintained.

Philia (Friendly Love); yet again is not always too reliable. As it changes with change in circumstances. Moreover this relationship is somewhat based over “give & take” factor. Due to which it is more likely that this love might not stay FOREVER! Primarily “Philia” is friendship, but if you just look back in your life you will realize that there were so many people in your past to whom you called “Friends” and now you don’t even know there where-about. You might have lost contact with them due to change in common goals and your feelings slowly have been blurred with dust of time. In short when your mutual interests are no more “Mutual” Philia (Friendly Love) begins to deplete.

Agape: (Pure Love) “Ishq” in Urdu language

Agape (Pure Love) may not involve any logic apparently; but if observed carefully this indeed possesses highest intensity of logic. This type of love is often tagged as “Un-Conditional Love”. And without a doubt Agape (Pure Love) is considered to be most reliable love amongst all the categories.

This type of love is often experienced in God-Human, Mother-Child and in Nationalism relations, where one eliminates his/her ego, self-esteem, and begins to love selflessly, no matter how one is treated by the loved one, the essence of love keep flowing. This is why it is often quoted as “Purest form of Love”. It may take longer time to develop among two human beings; but once developed it is likely to take longest time to shed away. It may even stay FOREVER.

Expectations:

Our expectations towards certain people play very important role in the quality of life that we spend. Love is very qualitative and can hardly be quantified. The love that you experience is actually your own perception about it. Your perception about love might be absolutely different from another person having almost the same circumstances as yours. So this is emphasized that in order to experience more love, keep your expectations lower. Only then you can experience self-contentment and inner satisfaction. This leads to conclusion that one needs to keep increasing his love for others and keep reducing his expectation in order to experience highest joy of love.

Gate Way to True Happiness and Self Contentment:

If someone is truly loved; then it needs to stay forever.If intensity of love reduces due to change in physical appearance, financial status or other external variables; then it cannot be called as true love.

True love comes with “priceless” price. For which; get ready to wash away all egos, promise yourself to keep reducing your expectations from the loved one and to keep increasing intensity of love; this will not only lead to greatest boost in relation but will also leads to self-contentment and lifelong happiness.

Choose “to be loved” for self comfort and other external benefits & loose your self-contentment. For inner satisfaction and greater stability of relationship it is more important “to love” than “to be loved”; start loving more than other person does, keep increasing your love intensity, stop expecting. You will have great love filled life.

“Being Loved” is a blessing that few may have; but “Joy of Loving” is endorsement that even fewer can imagine.”

Independence Day

Independence Day (14^th August 1947):

Today, at Independence Day attempt has been made to write about Nationalism, and its importance with provided reason of existence, plus suggestions to escalate at our own have also been provided. Hope to have enjoyable reading.

 

Since long back in history humans have known to be living in societies, communes, or any form for living together, so it be villages, towns or name it anything; Governed with multiple styles and forms. Primarily living together provides benefit of perceived security and concept of synergy. Till date these two major components prevail at national scale too. Not only were these two major reasons of living together; another element which keeps humans bounded with one another, especially in short run is “We and the Enemy” approach.

 

We & the Enemy:

This means that humans tend to make groups, group members are “we” and rest fall as enemy; till they have joint enemy they are likely to stay together; once that enemy has been taken over they tend to make more groups and began to develop conflicts over further minor self interests. Assumed famous example about this can be proven with simple thinking, that this world can easily be joined together when they can see a joint enemy; clear examples are world wars. Two major groups agreed to join; as they could see another stronger enemy. In case of joining whole world together we may take example of any aliens or any other external force threatening the globe; and whole world will join together.

 

Working together and jointly will definitely provide fruits of mutual security and synergy. This shows that in order to get better living standards it is important to have humans working mutually. Well to attain this, simplest way seems to be “we & the enemy” approach, knowingly or not knowingly, politicians all across the globe try to use this philosophy to get higher vote bank. Even in case of cold war or any other mass scale grouping over school of thought, groups become stronger if they perceive other party as their enemy/opponent. So be grounds of intellect or war.

Nationalism:

With enough of discussion over “We and the Enemy” it is no difficult to understand that truth behind philosophy of Nationalism too is same approach. Either it is negative or positive; this will be elaborated further; for now let us define Nationalism:

 

“Mass scale love filled devoted interest for one’s nation, culture, independence or a desire to be independent nation directing to school of thought that nation is above all and needs to work independently than collaboratively with rest of world is known as nationalism.”

 

Initially humans have been living and working in small communities and religious groups, hence before concept of nations itself; nationalism did exist. In those times, it was about loyalty towards one school of thought, locality, or religious group. Localities were taken over by religious regimes, and latter these religious or ethnic based groups were further taken over by concept of nations.

 

Nationalism has been considered as major factor contributing to lots of wars, including world wars as said above. Because with concept of Nationalism one forgets to understand and believe in ideas of others, once nationalistic feelings attain hype it attain enough power to do wonders; to utilize this we have seen example of “Mother Russia” where whole nation were working just for the sake of Nationalism, believing that everything belongs to state/holy mother. Capitalist State or Socialist, Importance of Nationalism cannot be ignored as it bounds nation overall (all members) towards one goal. Once awaken fully; it helps eliminating negativities of crime, corruption, betrayal and others alike. Failure to stop this powerful flow of Nationalism, if triggered at grounds of “We & the Enemy”, may trigger all out war, revolt or civil war. Hence its power needs to be well understood and managed accordingly.

Why Nations?

In case Nations or societies were established just with reason of attaining security and synergy; had this been only reason, whole world would have joined USA, making one nation of whole world. This primarily is due to different school of thoughts, living styles, cultures and religions for which different Nations urge to exist. So is the case with movements willing to attain liberation from existence Nations. This also nullify American stance of attacking any nation for good, because they too are developed and will help developing other nations; had it been the case. All nations would initiate movement to get aligned.

 

Humans love freedom; so is the case with any other living being; but freedom does not just mean being out of bounds. For living in society with one another there needs to be some bounds; otherwise it will all be law of jungle. Hence it can be concluded that it is about being bounded with own wishes at styles, nullifying further that Democracy is holy system for complete world. Every Nation has its own wishes to fill; and they may govern their operations as per their wishes. This elaborates that reason Nations exists is primarily due to mass scale wish of governing their lives according to common believe, plus to defend that believe system they need mutual strength and synergy to work and live happily. Regardless which economic and governance system they decide to live with. So they can live happily and with peace of mind.

 

This leads to further understanding that Nations utmost reason of existence is happiness, comfort, peace of mind and satisfaction of its people. More satisfaction than they would have attained being part of any other nation or system.

Importance of Nationalism:

While reading about “we & the enemy” approach, one might have felt that rationally Nationalism is ironically foolish to believed in. As such system seems to be quite wild and ignorant. Unfortunately this is how the world has been, and the modern world is. Probably this is how it is likely to be in future. Because it is human nature to exert “need for power” over others often by snubbing; which at mass scale get executed by snubbing other's believe system/economic system or governance system.

 

Hence there will always be conflicts and one Nation will desire to influence over other. To safeguard mass level mutual interest, there has to be Nation with believe that their Nation is first priority; so collaborative effort will lead to higher productivity. Plus in race of competition among different states, provided it is healthy (No Wars) world overall is likely to progress more. Other than that, Humans can hardly be trusted by one and another; so they need security from one another. For this devotion towards Nation and Nationalism can help residents to be bounded.

 

To live in this world; Nationalism is important for one’s self satisfaction and progress of nations. This is true especially for underdeveloped and developing nations needing to progress at faster pace. It means that Nationalism needs to be glorified; as whole Nation needs to be determined towards one goal. For mass Scale Management; it is very important to glorify Nationalism and make everyone work in favor of Nation.

Ways of Enhancing Nationalism:

Affiliation with renowned and successful personalities must be aligned with Nationalism, making it believed, that love for their Nation was primary reason of their work. So should be motivation of complete nation; motivating masses for National good, that will bring good to overall society for sure.

At individual level; what can we do to enhance Nationalism?

-          Independence Day:

o   Celebrate Independence day with full zeal and zest, assuring not to hurt others; but to raise flag, buy cake. In case of being religious; thank God for being lucky and promise God that you will bring good to society, as only than thanking for heavenly blessing can be justified.

-          Celebrations

o   During Other official and personal celebration, element of Nationalism needs to be brought it, and snub those with confidence who try to make fun. Deliver positive speeches about subject that no matter with which style we think; our Nation is our identity and we need to uplift it. Even though it will take time; but it will be elevated.

-          Respect for Flag

o   Flag is major representation of Nation; respect for flag needs to be of very high level. Even at home, it needs to be taught to children that National Flag must never be torn away, must never be placed at floor. Rather it needs to have religious respect. Here is no harm in saluting Flag in public gathering, this visible show of love will enhance your own confidence, and it will also encourage others to present their love for nation.

-          Respect for Nation

o   Just as we need to pay respect to flag, so should be respect for nation as whole. Snub who pass derogatory remarks or comments about Nation; request them to pass comments over policies, government, and any personality. But not over nation; as everyone is part of a nation. And respect for nation needs to stay intact. Strong actions should be taken, wherever slightest of derogatory remarks get passed at media. Currently in Pakistan, Media in fierce competition has long forgotten nationalism in its true spirit; indirectly they try to show that Pakistan is of no good. This leads to overall depression and reduction in Nationalism, such incidents needs not to be tolerated at all. Strong yet responsible protest needs to be registered against such behavior of media. This can be done through networking, blogging, word of mouth and others. At least we need to think that it is bad and communicate to others.

For elevating standard of our Nation, Nationalism needs to be originated with enhanced spirit. By taking these actions at our own; Nationalism will move in positive direction, other than our efforts, government needs to show clear direction and goals of a nation. Doing this can solve a lot of problems, plus overall nation gets a direction to move, further helping Nationalism to rise.

 

Happy Independence day to All, and to my Sweet Pakistan, I love and respect Pakistan. I am lucky and proud to be a Pakistani. All problems aside, I desire all of my readers to spread this message; “We are lucky and we are proud to be Pakistani”