Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Relationship break-ups; An Increased cause of despair

My article regarding relationship break-ups and its key reasons accompanied with solutions has been published in recent month (March 2011), World Times magazine.
We should respect and take care of those people whom we love, "either by making a relation or breaking a relation."

It is about key concern of upcoming generation, that is "relationship break-ups". Primarily due to high expectations from other party and due reliance over mode of communication that lack non-verbal cues. Without realizing its repercussions.

In this busy world, where everyone is lacking time, flame of suspicions burn castle of trust in ashes. Plus; in eastern cultures as of ours, cultural restrains and mountainous high limitations also cause young couples to break-up before getting into bond of marriage

Last, but not least. At times, very loving members step away from life of loved ones, assuming that their presence may cause some negativity.


Relationship Break-ups……An Increased Cause of Despair!

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

Break-up is a term that is very commonly used for the “Ending of a relationship” A break-up can be between siblings, parent-child, relatives, friends or between husband and wife. But since one cannot completely breakup relations socially and legally with his/her immediate blood relatives (especially in the eastern cultures) so normally focus stays over friends and the intimate relationships. It is usually said that “A broken relationship is better than a disturbed one” but often it is not very easy to break a disturbed relationship; as members are either emotionally financially or socially dependent over and other; that they prefer to drag a disturbed relationship then to go for a broken one.

Break-ups usually are very depressing and emotionally shacking. Longer the duration of relationship, more difficult and depressing would be the break-up, and more time will be required to overcome. But sometimes, time durations does not matter, as people develop strong bounding in few days, and studies show that they undergo the same level of anxiety and depression as any other couple having long duration relationship. Sometimes it takes years or even a life time to heal the wounds of a break-up.

Most Common Causes of Break-ups:

Lack of communication or miscommunications:

One of the biggest problems of today’s world is that majority has busy routine. Either it be a house wife or a busy professional, everyone is lacking in time. This leads to increased gap. Moreover texting messages or sending e-mails is very common these days, but one of the biggest drawbacks of such channel of communication is the absence of non-verbal cues (facial and voice expressions) so the chances of misinterpretations increases. So we should be very careful to choose the right kind of channel of communication while conveying our emotions and feelings to our companions.

High expectations from the partner:

Majority expects other partner to be more adaptable; and should change for us. At the same time we perceive our self is perfect and do not require any alterations. This in one way or the other makes the other partner feels down and ultimately hurts his/her ego. It is suggested that both the partners should be flexible to change a few of their habits to win the love of their partner.

Family or Parental Pressures:

Societal or family pressures are another very common cause of relationship breakups especially in eastern countries or places where families or parents take marriage and other important decisions on behalf of their children. Relationships are very vulnerable when families jump into the private and personal matters of a couple and apply restrictions. In such situations one should not spoil a smooth relation just because of such constrains.

Lack of Trust

Suspecting or doubting the intentions of your partner often leads to disasters. Suspicion arises when you start feeling insecure or stop trusting your love. One of the common causes of this could be a third party or some jealous person who intervenes in your relationship and provokes you to doubt your partner. So instead of trusting what other people say, listen to the voice of your heart and have trust and faith over your love.

Conflicting and Mismatched Personalities/Age gap

Most of the time in the beginning of a relationship due to physical appeal or some other attractions people accept each other’s different personalities open heartedly, but as time passes by and relationship grows older, their patience level deteriorates and disliking from both ends come up. So in case of having opposite interests, try to find the positive aspects in those opposite habits and traits of your companion instead of getting irritated.

The Other Side of Picture:

Being a psychologist I come across a lot of incidents almost daily that result in a breakup due to the above mentioned reasons. As majority of these causes are the ones that are conflicting and clashing and that can finish the element of love and result in breakup. But things are not always the same i.e. Relationship does not only end when you stop loving your partner, but it also happens when u start loving your partner more and more. This seems to be quite confusing and weird but it’s true. Here I would like to quote a few of the incidents to make my point clearer.

One of my clients deliberately ditched his partner and broke up the relationship as he was suffering from a STD (sexually transmitting disease) and he never wanted to see his partner dying in agony and misery of that disease. I still remember I could very well see the depth of his love in shedding tears.

In another incidence the female companion prefers and opted for a break-up as she knew that their continued relationship could cause problems in the upcoming life of her partner. The societal and religious barriers were another cause of mental torture for her companion. She had well perceived the fact that her existence in his life will not only affect his mental health but his future could also be at stake due to her presence in his life. So she quietly moved away from his life. I can memorize vividly how much mental agony and misery she faced after the breakup but she faced it boldly and accepted it happily because “she loved him”. And for her, his happiness and success in life was more important than any other thing.

In the end I will just re-emphasize that relationships are precious. No one in this world is luckier than the one who has got sincere people around him/her. It takes years to make a relation and few second to destroy it. So we should respect and take care of those people whom we love, “either by making a relation or by breaking a relation”.