Dowry an Evil, Crime or Tradition?

Thousands got burned, and millions presented life time sacrifice in different ages and times; but flame of ruthless dowry is burning with never ending fuel of so called ego and traditions.

This article addresses contemporary hot issue of dowry, its history and different formation of same practice separated by time, space and cultures

Dowry an Evil? Crime? or Tradition?

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

Tradition of making payments at time of wedding is older than any written records. Although in some societies and cultures, there exist rules related to “Bride Price”. Bride Price is contrasted with dowry; it is amount of money paid to bride or her family at time of marriage. Where dowry is money or assets that bride brings with her. Another arrangement termed as “dower” has several alterations in different cultures; but popularly it is amount of money paid from husband’s property or by state in case female is widowed.

Anciently, dowry has been considered as more respectable arrangement than bride price. It differs in cultures, but both traditions “bride price” and “dowry” may exist in some. Reason dowry was considered more respectful was that; “bride price” used to be calculated as slave girl’s market price. Or as compensation of total labor hours that she could contribute to her parent family.

Whereas dowry was considered to be a gift given by wealthy family of women; but with time it escalated such that higher the amount of dowry, more respectable wedding arrangement would be considered. It could also be considered that it is to snub barbaric nature of male by providing even more food to his barbarism. It is commonly believed that higher amount of dowry may ensure that husband or his family will not ill treat the bride. In social war of keeping high esteem, standard expectations of dowry have increased many folds.

In Pakistani society; except few areas in North, ancient tradition of dowry is practiced and it is well known to majority of educated class. That it is aged tradition; that may have more implications than benefits. But there exists very few to have courage to challenge this tradition. I am trying to point few most common window dressed arguments that fall in favor of dowry.

- Young men cannot afford to settle with their new family

- To have peaceful life for bride, it is important to buy her house

- Everyone does this, and our daughter shall have more dowry than anyone else did

- It presents how much we love our daughter

- It compensates, less share that females get in parent’s property inheritance

- Socially desire act cannot be stopped; what will other say about it?

If all above arguments are right, then how come few societies have practiced “bride price” instead of dowry?

It may be considered as simple principle of supply & demand of both genders. Where exists more men; and less wealthy women; societies may practice “bride price”. Here men shall pay price as gift/ compensation to bride’s family to get married. Whereas societies having more women and less wealthy men; to make lucky match. Dowry is practiced. But we cannot control gender balance in society; how can we judge what is better for society? Dowry or Dower?

Where is the balance?

Majority of the poor class families still think in this cruel way that "If I don’t kill her today; tomorrow she will kill me financially or someone else will burn her for the sake of dowry," this is the reason; why millions of women are put to death; even today, especially in Indian society.

Dowry is one extreme; due to which we observe every day stories; where old man depletes all his resources that shall help him live comfortable last days of his life, in favor of his beloved young daughter.

This is why time is back; when daughter is born; and her father start calculating heavy financially burden that lies over his shoulders. It is not only with lower socio-economic class. Our educated class too is not educated. Our religion advocates, birth of female child as blessing. And fathers will be rewarded heavens for bringing up female child without discrimination. But we consider them as obligation and punishment from God.

Muslim fathers shall not be burdened with dowry, instead young men shall give women their obligatory gift (Haq Mehar) ; happily as presentation of their promised love. Nikah is considered to be simple ceremony, with few close invites and witnesses. And party thrown by groom (Waleema) is grand feast in celebration of wedding. Though, increased amount of financial burden over groom (dower /gift to bride) can cost several problems for societies too. This is why it is recommended in Islamic Religion “The best of the marriages is one which is least burdensome in the financial sense to the families of the bride and the groom"

Alas! Such nice principles we have forgotten in place of outdated traditions that we have borrowed from societies we have lived with. I am ashamed to state that; in depth of our heart, today daughters are considered as burden & curse.

We very happily consider gift to bride (Haq Mehar) as optional or extra; where dowry is accepted as mandatory practice. For Mehar applies no financial formulas, no inflation adjusters. But for all our routine life we do. Please think, where we are leading our society? Today again evil of dowry compels us to feel happy to have son, and sorrow to have daughter. Allah’s appreciated practice of Nikah is becoming challenging task for families; due to which arise many unacceptable problems that is polluting our society.

Opposite Attracts? (Marriage Age Difference)

This article not only address attraction of opposite genders, but also of opposite age groups as well. Please have a read; and express your thoughts about it.

Birds of a Feather Flock Together

Or

Is That the Opposite That Attracts?

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

It may sound taboo to many, and few may find surprised when exposed to this topic. But there exists humans who find more attraction in older age opposite gender than younger ones or people of their own age group. To start with; this attitude has been significantly noticed in females that they tend to get attracted towards mature men than their age fellows. It needs to be understood that “Age-Gap” primarily is a taboo because societies by and large find it oppose to their norm. And social norms arise from practices that majority exercise. Because majority exercise one practice, since inception of societies they tend to snub opposing norms as it tends to threaten stronger group’s freedom.

Even as per definition of “Norm” or “Normal”, it is known to be something “Usual”. Which mean, exercised by majority; although this does not mean that all exceptions are harmful? Majority of humans get attracted to opposite gender of their own age band. In our society it is even desired that male shall always have partner at least 2 to 4 years younger in age.

Having said this; it even seems acceptable in societies like ours; if female get married to person 10 or 15 years older than her. Although; it does become issue in many families; it has been found that females in their young age crave for higher financial security and emotional stability. Few cases have been reported, where females fell in love with their father’s friend, where girl age in her 20s and male in 40s. It is normally the case with females; who wish to be distinguished; or compete with their other female mates. They wish to feel; that their partner is financially stronger, stable and mature in feelings with respect to other boys, who appear so immature and childish in comparison.

Not only this; dominance of role also emit aroma that causes magnetic attraction. Research shows that many females who fell in love with older men, they were in stronger social role. For example, Young girls fall in love with their Teachers, Bosses or Professors especially if their physical appeal is attractive and their thoughts are impressive enough to die for. On other hand, mature men definitely find blossoming pretty young girls more attractive and tend to get along well.

It is not always fascinating and enjoyable in the longer run. These young girls expect allot of time from their partner, where their mature partners tend to be “busy”. And due to their busy routine, they fail to enjoy great time together in comparison of normal couple that spend more time together in initial days and grow mature together with time. Girls tend to get either too insecure about their mature partners, or find them busy all the time. Other than that; with time mature men align other responsibilities i.e. wife, kids, business, job, relatives, etc. Majority of the males extend greater effort to be in touch till they attain girl. Once attained, their top priority stays their career which is their identity. So my advice to girls is; please be very careful when you decide to couple with mature men. You may find short run satisfaction of being too secure and financially powerful. You may enjoy his dominance for a while; but this too may become a little depressing and irritating in the longer run. Other than this; these mature men know from start what they want, and what they do not. Please realize now what you really want; because this aura of his personality style, financial strength or position may become too redundant for you after ten years.

It seems quite understandable so far unless another twist steps in. Being a psychologist I have come across a lot of cases where young boys, who tend to fall in love with elder and mature women. They claim to have no attraction in young females, or females of their own age group; rather they like aged women. To say; a 24years old boy will like females in their 30s or even 40s. Subjects find it very difficult to express their feelings because of social pressures and taboos; other than that, they even question themselves as why they like older women more? If they are not aware of fact; they might be overgrown within, or they might have attained maturity before age. But to answer this surprise; such males who are early matured, they also find themselves little miss fit with their course mates / class mates in routine activities. They find maturity in their own thoughts and consider their mates to be quite childish and stupid. With that; they unconsciously believe mature women to be more understanding and easier to handle. Apart from this; they do find elegance and grace in older women. Other than that “Grass is always greener on the other side of fence”. Males find it impossible to couple with older women; this is added reason of feeling greater attraction towards elderly females. Moreover it is one of the most powerful human motives that we are always fascinated by the things that seems to be difficult or impossible to attain. For example a person who can afford to buy a Toyota Corolla will always be more attracted towards a Mercedes or BMW which is out of his financial reach.

Not all such arrangements have been found unsuccessful; but males find them challenged soon when they cross mid thirty. As many young females tend to get attracted to them; and their partner may not appeal that pretty any more. Many suffer from feel of guilt; and emotionally challenged as at that point they cannot leave their partner who have already aged.

Message here is not to condemn those who may fall in love with someone with greater age-gap. It is just to make everyone realize that there may exist exceptions; we shall respect everyone’s opinion and feelings. We cannot convince anyone to change his/her feelings for anyone, as it is usually said that “there is no logic in love”. Apart from it; those who do like someone with increased age gap shall consider advises given above before finally stepping ahead.

Marriage is a Leap of Faith

Recently an article of mine; about weddings has been published in World Re-known magazine "ASIANA Wedding". Volume 1, Issue 2 of 2011.

Which is Better, Love or Arrange Marriage?

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

Marriage can be defined into a number of ways; rather every culture or religion defines it according to their own beliefs, customs and traditions. Legally, marriage is the union of two adult human beings who have agreed to live together until their marriage is dissolved by death or divorce. Another description of marriage is that it is a contract between two individuals, who have made it public that they are joint emotionally, economically, socially and legally. Elbert Hubbard explains this definition in a more comic way; he says “Marriage is a legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death separates them”

Usually when we talk of Pakistani weddings, we try to link it with arrange marriages. Due to the social and cultural pressures, the concept of arrange marriage is dominant in Pakistani weddings since ages. On the other hand, even in this modern era; love marriages are still considered to be as a taboo among many families. For them, two people should only be connected in a relationship with the decision and consent of their parents and the blessings of their family and relatives.

It is a common saying that “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” So we can safely say that there is no hard and fast formula that either arrange marriage is always successful or a love marriage is better. This concept is very humorously quoted in this statement “Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." Erma Bombeck.

As far as love marriage is concerned; the two people tie in a relationship only after falling in love with each other and mostly; after understanding each other for a long time. They get sufficient time to know and explore about the good; as well as awful habits of their partner, well before marriage. This gives them a leading edge to develop a good comfort level after marriage, quite effortlessly. On the other hand, in case of arrange marriage the couple does not know much about the partner, so they might get some reality shocks soon after the marriage in shape of personality conflicts. They might require more time to develop a level of comfort and understanding after marriage. So in this scenario love marriage weighs more then the arranged one.

Expectations from others; play an important role in our relationships. Lesser the expectations from your partner, stronger would be the relationship and less chance would be that you will get hurt.

In case of love marriage, the couple usually lives in a world of fantasy, where everything stays beautiful and romantic. Both the partners love and care for each other and shows their concern even in very small issues. When the couple starts living together under the same roof, they do not realize and recognize that their roles have been changed, from lovers to husband and wife. They do not take the responsibilities and role demands of their changed status; that results in conflict which ultimately leads to domestic fights and disturbed relationship. They perceive that the best part of their life was before the marriage, and after marriage their partner has changed and the element of “love” vanishes leaving it just “marriage”. A witty quotation can explain this fact even better “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” Helen Rowland.

One of the biggest advantages of arrange marriage in Pakistani culture is that; if the marriage turns out to be unsuccessful, there could be a number of family members and relatives who can control the situation and can help to resolve the conflicts. Moreover in case of young age couples, the family could support them not only emotionally but financially as well. On the other hand, the couples who have opted for love marriage; without the consent and permission of their family members would have to handle all their crises on their own, because they might have been separated from their family. This is one of the reasons why arrange marriage is considered to be more secure in Pakistan.

In the end I would just say that, husband and wife are the two wheels of a vehicle, and the road for driving that vehicle is not always smooth. So both have to stay strong and united to have a safe and happy journey of life.

Being related to academia, I find myself well aware of everyday problems that majority of students confront. With that I wrote few lines about examination stress.

This article of mine has been published in World Times Magazine, Issue: X, Volume: 5, this July 2011.

I hope you will have enjoyable reading.

Examination Stress

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

Stress is indeed one of the most common problems of today’s world, so before discussing “exam stress” it is important to explain first that “what is stress”? The definition says that “Stress is a dynamic condition in which an individual is confronted with an opportunity, constraints, or demands related to what he or she desires and for which the outcome is perceived to be both uncertain and important” Dictionary explains it as emotional force or strain. Stress is considered to be the combination of multiple reactions i.e. psychological, physiological, and behavioral response that people have in reaction to events that intimidate or challenge them.

Stress can be positive or negative. Sometimes, stress is supportive and helpful because it provides people with the extra energy or vigilance they need; for example stress could give an athlete the edge he or she needs to keep in a marathon race. The good kind of stress is called eustress and the bad kind of stress is called distress. Studies shows that mild to moderate kind of stress is usually good and enhances people’s performance, but when stress increases from moderate to severe levels; it always affects the performance negatively.

It has been commonly observed and with time; it has become desired norm that students should be stressed during the exam days. This might be the result of several factors; if asked students. They tend to explain that stress is sourced due to; immense workload that seems difficult or sometimes impossible to be managed in time.

Common Sources of Stress Among Students:

Social Expectations:

Majority of the students feel stressed and tensed because of high expectations of their family members, teachers or friends. They do not want to disappoint them by their poor performance, this leads to heighten the examination stress. It is important that the parents or teachers should set the goals for the students realistically. They should not be giving them the targets that are beyond the capability of the student. Parents and teachers must know the natural interest and aptitude of the student instead of forcing them to join any of the field in which they have no inclination or interest.

Financial Issues:

If a student is studying over scholarship, then they need to maintain their grades over certain thresholds. In that scenario they cannot afford to show poor performance as it can result in the discontinuation of the financial aid that they are getting in shape of scholarship. They might observe themselves to be in contest with other students and the competition may amplify their stress and anxiety levels.

Perception:

According to Catherine Pulsifer "How we perceive a situation and how we react to it is the basis of our stress”. If you focus on the pessimism in any situation, you can experience high stress levels. However, if you try and see the optimistic direction in the situation, your stress levels will be diminished." Instead of perceiving half glass of water empty, one should perceive the half glass full.

Negative Evaluation

Negative evaluation of one’s own self and negative thoughts that arise in the mind of the students during exams are another important factor that causes exam stress. Students usually think that they are not capable enough to study such difficult and lengthy syllabus or how difficult it is to get good grades; such negative thoughts directly affect their performance and ultimately lead to stress and anxiety. One should start thinking on the brighter side of the picture. They should see the advantages of getting good marks in exams instead of thinking on the disadvantages of having poor marks. Such positive attitude can reduce the pressure of exam stress and even enhances the performance during examination.

Lack of Self Confidence:

This is perhaps one of the major factors that cause exam stress. It means that students don’t rely on their own capabilities and potentialities. They perceive themselves not competent enough to be successful in the examinations. This fear causes anxiety and they start looking for some short-cuts or negative ways for passing the exams. They start thinking about some of the ways through which they can cheat in the exams or sometimes they even start running after the teachers before the exam to get some grace marks. It is really important that the students should have trust over themselves and their strengths. Instead of counting on their weaknesses they should highlight their strengths. This will not only have a positive impact on their performance but will also enhance their self esteem which will result in great performance.

Poor Time Management:

Majority of the students do not manage their time effectively or they fail to manage their work before hand. During the beginning of the academic year or semester they waste majority of their time in non-academic activities, thinking that they will cover this depletion in the end, but when the exams are just few days away, they suddenly realize that they have a lot of burden and the syllabus is too lengthy to be covered in this short span of time. This fear causes them lot of stress and anxiety and it leads to poor performance. If the students only revise their daily lecture regularly they will never be overburdened by the lengthy syllabus at the end of the term.

Few Tips to Overcome Exam Stress:

· Make a proper time table for study from the very beginning of the term and prioritize your work according to its importance.

· Don’t bundle up the work. Try to do daily work in small slots on daily basis.

· Take healthy diet. Avoid taking too much caffeine. Prefer fruits and vegetables. Some of the fruits like bananas have such ingredients that help reducing stress and depression.

· Take small rest pauses during the study. It will freshen up your mind and will affect your performance positively.

· Take proper sleep, specifically one night before the examination, as sleeplessness can result in bad performance.

· Take out time for exercise, walk, jog or any kind of aerobics. Physical exercises help reducing mental stress.

· Offer prayers. Have faith over God, and then over your own self. It will definitely sooth the anxiety.

· Discuss your academic or non academic problems with your friends. Sharing your worries with any of your sincere friend will definitely help you in overcoming your problem.

· Relax yourself by taking deep breaths before reading the question paper. Some of the students do not read the question paper fully and start writing the answer, that result in reduced performance.

· It is often a good idea not to discuss the examination paper once you are out of the examination hall. Usually students discuss their answers, soon after the exam and when they find their answers not 100 percent similar to the others they got extremely stressed, that ultimately affects their next exam performance.

In the end I will just highlight one of my favorite quotations by the most genius person of this world; Albert Einstein says that "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” so instead of getting stressed by a problematic situation start looking for the opportunity that is hidden in the same crisis.

Another article of mine, with subject "Common Problems of Students in Pakistan" have been published in June 2011 release of World Times Magazine.

COMMON PROBLEMS OF STUDENTS IN PAKISTAN

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

Society comprises over humans; and their combined productivity represents its well being. Humans perform better; when equipped with relevant tools and techniques. Hence providing education will result in higher productivity and increased well being. It can also be comprehended; that key to development of economy, availability of strong leaders and infrastructure is based over high quality human resource. This enlightens importance of students.

While explaining problem of students, foremost problem that comes upfront is; different and conflicting educational systems. Not only several systems conflict with one another; here stays huge difference between educational standards of government and private institutions. Then within private institutions; here exists massive diversity; due to which parents and students are bound to rely over few so called renowned institutions. This makes selection of institution big challenge; and for student all his/her life, career, personal grooming and reputation are dependant over selection of institution. In Pakistan only big cities are equipped with high quality educational institutions; especially is the case at University level. This major difficulty becomes source of several other irritations; first one is ambiguity in choosing the right career. It advocates need for expert opinion, parents are usually not aware of trends, and teachers being disconnected from corporate sector cannot provide sufficient guidance and support.

After allot of effort, consultation and prayers when student get enrolled in institutions; then already over burdened and crowded institution’s management find it difficult to co-operate with students. Overall behavior of administration/management of university; stays quite challenging and hardly supportive; this not only increases agony and annoyance of already stressed students; but it also fuels already prevailing ambiguity. Problem of career counseling gets further intensified; specifically when this problem is not with everyone. Few privileged students successfully attain guidance due to their family support or personal relations. This provides them edge over others, not because of their capability but due to their before hand home work.

All across the globe, including Pakistan; financial hindrance is most challenging for students in pursuit of education. In Pakistan; huge percentage is still below poverty line. This is why, many fail to continue their education, and considerable percentage drop out due to their inability to afford expensive education. Not only burden of fee has to be bear by students; sometimes they are also required to support their families. Here again fortunate are ones; who get supported by their financially strong families.

Students who are fortunate enough to get enrolled in institutions does not enjoy high way of peace; un-trained teachers often develop barrier with students to cover their weaknesses. Assigned text books are either inappropriate; or teachers are not aware of author’s intentions. Due to which; students show reluctance in consulting, what they have not understood and eventually fail to learn. Even when teachers are willing and able, institutions seriously lack facilities like required laboratories.

Over and above students are burdened by high level expectations from their parents, friends, family and society. Intense fear for failure at times triggers distress; hampering their performance. Being ambiguous, afraid to share with teachers and parents, they find no way out to vent frustration. Administration, keep walls of their castle high enough not to be bothered.

Accompanied with psychological stress of all rounded expectations, comes physical fatigue from which students have to go through. It includes lower profile transportation; they get to walk long distances. At times they are subject to psychological punishment or some kind of humiliation at time of reaching late to class. On their way back; they often carry heavy homework; which their social circle fails to understand and accept. At home they are presumed to be free; and are often requested to perform home related duties; due to which they fail to fulfill, teacher’s as well as family’s expectation; which may result in lower reputation; that eventually results in poor performance/evaluation.

Observing fortunate students attaining better scores, being compared with them, not only generates jealousy, hatred and frustration, but pain of getting disconnected from success, does not even allow them to participate in any kind of extracurricular activities. These activities are already lacking by big percentage; and considered socially undesired. Majority families fail to understand importance of these activities. Students are often forbidden to participate in co-curricular activities and here again; extra performers, having better reputation takes the lead.

Overcrowded class rooms, individual based praise system, and failure to vent their anxiety through co-curricular activities eventually lead to social isolation. Students either began to feel difficulty in socializing, or become over extrovert and enjoy wasting their time and irritating others. In some cases students are subject to smoking, drug addiction and other negative habits at early age.

Students are important asset of any society; and they need to be cared. Understanding their problems may not heal their wounds; but will definitely sooth them. We as part of society shall try helping students; if not financially it can be done by understanding, and listening to their problems.