Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Emotional Dependency

My article with subject of "Emotional Dependency" has been published in two renowned magazines "World Times" (Vol 6, Issue XI, August 2012) and "ASIANA Wedding" (Vol 2, Issue 5, 2012). Provided are scans of magazine and my article. I hope you will have a enjoyable read.

Such sentences “I cannot live without you” getting to knees for having an eye contact of a particular person, seems so sweet? Isn’t it?

If this is continuing for quite some time; then you or who so ever you observed is in mid of emotional dependence hurricane. From where it gets evident that it will only take to un-controllable destruction. At least studies depict this; and it is almost always that both parties knowing about situation, steps away from one another, only to get closer.

What is emotional dependency? It is state where one person dominates other person’s life emotionally. Due to emotion’s softer feel, it hardly gets evident. Rather it provides great deal of joy. But freedom of dependent person is definitely sacrificed.

Emotional dependency does not necessarily mean romantic relationship; it may exist between anyone, it can be teacher/student, psychiatrist/patient, parent/child, husband/wife, siblings, and friends of same or opposite gender.

This state is no different than drug addict; who has all possible excuses, manipulation and argument to take drug. Knowing it will kill; he/she desires to dilute his life in addiction. Same way; once emotionally dependent over other, person desires to dilute life in emotional dependency and avoid freedom. Here may not be a yard stick to measure emotional dependency; but educated guess can be made.


Jealousy/Rest is Threat

Dependent person get over possessive about partner; and find him getting jealous too easily, not only from humans, but activities, hobbies or other things that keep partner busy, seems to be threat. To overcome that threat; dependent person tries to capture whole time of partner. They find loss of interest in socialization; but that special one. And when asked about their relationship; they get too defensive.

Finishing Everything:

Willingness to confront God’s Will, Nature, Law of society, Moral values or anything that may come as source of withdrawl from partner; in case of possible threat of withdrawal, serious consideration to suicide, destroying its source and even killing partner may appear.

Thinking of the partner all the time:

This attitude is quite evident, through routine fantasies of partner, presence, fragrance or what conversation shall take place next time is evident. In few intense cases real life like presence of partner may be experienced.

Over Presentation:

Emotions of all relations get to converge at one point; haze of relations is felt, mixed feelings like intimacy, respect, relaxation, achievement, joy, fear and several emotions are experienced. Excessive affection is presented; that may seem beyond social norms of given relation (i.e. parent/child, friends or any). And continuous physical and verbal affection is assured, i.e. (lots of hugs, back/shoulder rubs), thanking too much, excessive praise “you are only one who understands”.
Emotionally dependant partners understand each other to extent; where it makes rest of family/friends un-comfortable. Without that person; No plan gets finalized, either long-run or short-run, travelling for business or re-creation. That person’s worries, wishes, problems, interest and personality keeps the dependant occupied. Greatest of desire is to spend time with that one person in isolation; failure to which causes great deal of frustration, resentment and aggression.
Threats to break relationship, making other person feel insecure and attempts to suicides are some other traits that are clear signals about emotional dependency.


This, enticing yet harmful state comes up like slow poisoning; but from where? How and when it comes? During emotional state, when humans need support if someone provide following
a.       Attention
b.      Listening
c.       Admiration
d.      Praise
e.      Spend Time Together

It is highly likely that in such sensitive state humans will get dependant over other. Once humans began to feel they can attain more social comfort with minimal effort; they direct all efforts towards one person. And with time; get addicted to comfort provided by him/her.

Few people are sensitive / rigid by nature; and some feel difficulty in sharing their inner feelings with everyone. They may seem to be very outgoing; yet burry sorrows in their heart. Such people often wish to find one comfort zone where they can deposit all their worries. In simple; when social or emotional demands of one person get perfectly entertained by another. Emotional dependence takes place.
Definitely it seems to be very sweet and touched relation; then what kind of problems we may have. And why we are trying to pitch emotional dependence as negative phenomenon.

First problem is that human wishes to fill all social needs which is like putting all the eggs in one basket. Once one person dependence takes place, Slightest of negative feedback gives high level of grief and resentment. Emotional dependent people began to socially isolate themselves, eventually reducing their networking capabilities. And in turn; they not only become slave to their wishes. They become low productive resource for society.

Most of all; loss of friends causes sorrow to all, but emotionally dependent get panic attacks, depression, un-controllable anger towards society or sometimes God. Due to which their separation may ruin their life. Life is valuable; it is gift of nature that shall not be wasted.
Emotional dependency can be avoided by keeping healthy sized social network; communicating with many. Resisting, over reliance over one person; now days it is easy by keeping different hobbies. Such as computer games, sports and gardening. Extra activities serve as additional source of happiness. Some relations are highly probable to have emotional dependency; plus societies often consider it acceptable to have emotional dependency in such relations.

For Example:

  • Parent/Child
  • Teacher/Student
  • Husband/Wife
  • Counselor/Troubled Person

Emotional dependence shall be avoided in all circumstances; say, in our society it is so much appreciated to be affectionate towards others. But here stays difference being emotionally dependant and love. One will never be able to understand element of freedom; unless he/she attains it back. This can only come from realization; that feelings are sourced inside; not outside. Emotionally dependent believes feelings to be sourced from loved one. For example; if person on whom he/she is dependant. Could not meet him day he/she promised. Argument will come like “I have been looking your way, all day; Outside in extreme temperature; so at least I can look at you. Because I know you are too busy to be bothered to talk to me”. In reality; dependant person is seeking his satisfaction, in other person. It is just matter of believe if he is emotionally strong; person can set any standard of satisfaction. The way he has set his satisfaction in attaining other person’s attention, affection or sight; it can be set say; playing computer games or sports. Satisfaction can come through that healthy recognition too. Take charge of your life. Before someone else does; believe in yourself, it is yourself not someone else whose life you are living.

The same article has also been published in World Times Magazine, scans are provided below:



I hope you enjoyed reading the article.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Nadia Khan Show (Joint Family vs Nuclear Family)

Dear Readers,

I am delighted to inform you all that I was called in "Nadia Khan Show" broad casted on Pakistan's leading television channel "GEO TV". The show comprised of two episodes. Below are links to the show. Have a look, and do not forget to comment.

Joint Family vs Nuclear Family (Episode 1)



Joint Family vs Nuclear Family (Episode 2)

1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4rpPk256KY

2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3i5MNvLD-50&feature=relmfu

3) http://www.youtube.com/embed/Ea0HmDYTFlk?rel=0

4) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55SQ2RP8Z6I

5) http://www.youtube.com/embed/IyFGXBuX_v4?rel=0

6) http://www.youtube.com/embed/sJZiRThySTE

7) http://www.youtube.com/embed/RHn58OI4cWc?rel=0

Monday, April 16, 2012

Run Away Grils: Eloping

Problem of ill treatment with women is not of one society; it is global. And in given article, reasons and solution to problem of "Run Away" girls has been discussed.

This article has been published in recent issue(VII) of World Times Magazine, Vol 6. April 2012.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Supernatural Creatures or The Perception of Human Brain

Recently my article about "Supernatural Creatures" is published in World Times Magazine (Vol-6, Issue/III, December 2011)

This article attempts to explain difference between Illusions, Hallucinations and experiencing Supernatural.

Supernatural Creatures


The Perception of Human Brain?

By: Prof. Ayesha Kashif

Does Supernatural exist? Or they exist in human brain only? Contemporary world; consider it to be myth of past. Call them ghosts, spirits, or whatever. Have you ever observed or met a ghost or a spirit? Many will answer in negation. Majority of the people who can reply the above question in “yes” their experiences lack evidence; but share commonality. Those who have not experienced any such supernatural; can argue that here exists simply no support and this topic shall not be discussed, but still literature, movies and tales include super naturals.

Super Naturals are bifurcated in 3 major categories:

1) Spirits

2) Ghosts /Jinnis

3) Angels

Spirits are said to be human soul which comes out from the body as a result of transformation from life to death. Ghosts, commonly known as “jinn” in Urdu, are said to be altogether different species, having capability of living over more than this planet. They are believed to be mortals like humans, yet made of light/fire. Angels, according to different religious believes may differ; but they are believed to be made of light/fire like ghosts, but they are immortals and execute commands of God.

Most common traits about super naturals are:

1) They can vanish and appear any moment.

2) They are free from constraints of space and time.

3) Capability to look like any human or animal.

4) In their presence strange wave passes within body.

5) At times; strong feeling of fear may be experienced; even person willing to commit suicide will not enter in room, where presence of Super Natural is assured.

6) Often said to be big white un-identifiable or non-explainable object.

7) If in form of human, they are said to have big red pepper styled eyes.

Let me share experiences of those, who claim to have conversation with super naturals. Such incidents quoted by sane and educated people, raise question as why will they lie about it? If they are telling truth then what was that? Most common traits quoted with respect to observation are:


They may communicate in dream like situation; where one can hardly differentiate his/her state was fully awake or sleeping.

2) While listening, weeping due to fear may trigger.

3) Communication may not necessarily follow any language. Just feeling gets transferred about what supernatural is saying.

4) Speech is often with echo effect i.e. humans speak in state of flu

5) And when it is not conversation; but voices are heard from large distance. Language is said to be native like. Yet cannot be understood.

Other than observations and communication; few instances have taken in my consideration which seems too difficult to comprehend for those who have never experienced. Few cemeteries are said to be haunted, where spirits can be observed at certain time. Stories of haunted houses, where people get terrified, kicked, slapped or shaken up while sleeping.

Being a psychologist, people often share such experiences with me. A student of mine, who is a house wife, shared her experience with me. She was living in big old house and she forgot the TV remote control at top floor of house and came down to ground floor; she heard allot of stories about presence of ghost in that house but she never believed. Being extremely fatigued; she just wished and communicated in her heart. If here is really some ghost; please bring that TV remote control from top floor. In less than fraction of second, TV remote control was thrown at table. She experienced intense fear and had to shift house.

One of my friend claimed that he had experienced such incidents twice. He told that around 2:00 am he was shook by somebody to wake up. Perceiving someone unfamiliar in his room, made him terrified. He claimed that the jinn penetrated in his body and communicated with him. His other family members witness the change in his voice during that state. Second time when the jinn came he was not even terrified as the atmosphere of the room became enlightened and peaceful. This time the jinn gave him few advices to offer prayers and respect and love few identified people and then vanished.

It is not necessary that everyone one of us have experienced conversation, but provided minor incidents might have been experienced by us; and we tagged it as false observation. Common observations include feeling as if someone has walked from back, or false observation of movement in another room. In some instances few people claims to hear clear sound of reading/recitation from some abandoned room of house; sound of footsteps from upper floor, sounds as if some furniture is being dragged; all these observations become strange when it comes from residents who may live in single story villa. Having no possibility to have furniture over their roof top; to which any thief may wish to adjust at mid of night.

All these stories may be categorized as fiction; but having huge set of people claiming almost same experience? Provoke higher level interest; yet, those who deny, in their natural need wish to either experience it or prove it to be wrong; this is why here attempt has been made to enlist, time, places or other circumstances where super naturals have said to be observed.

1) Abandoned Places

a. It can be vacant house, ruins of some castle/house

b. Jungle (Where humans hardly visit)

c. This can be even some room of house i.e. store room or some place at top floor where hardly anyone visits.

d. Grave Yards (Sound of cries or laughter)

2) At Night, often late hours

3) Abandoned and old trees

4) Buildings with 20 to 30 years of age (less or not populated).

5) Places, where you fear for no reason. It may be any room of your own house.

6) Dirty places/Wash room

Modern science is not able to provide satisfactory evidence in its support. Although; observing something that cannot be observed by others, is known as hallucination. But this is often due to serious malfunctioning of brain; which can be medically diagnosed. And it seems impossible for normal people to experience anything which we call super naturals. But some of the normal people can experience hallucination in severe depression. For example majority of the people after the loss of a loved one claim that the spirit comes to visit them or after a break-up one can feel the presence of the loved one around him/her.

This opens door for another possibility; to which we call Illusion; Illusions are circumstances where humans misinterpret physical object, with respect to visuals. For example, having one’s unconscious mind already occupied by fears; some illusions may take place; i.e. hanging kite may be misinterpreted as some ghost's face or hanging cloths may feel like dead body to some. Although Illusions are visual misinterpretations only; But here exists set of people who are neither suffering from hallucination nor have fears. But still they claim to have experience of conversations as well.

Another very strong argument would be that “Our eyes see, what our mind wants to perceive” i.e moon can be perceived as “Roti” (bread) by a severely hungry or starved person, as our perceptions are greatly influenced by our desires, feelings, wishes, apprehensions, fears and motivations.

Here is great amount of information available and discussed regarding ghosts, daemon, evil spirits, holy spirits, vampires and several observations about haunted places. But it never reached to any conclusion; those who have experienced, believe, others deny. But it definitely identifies human thirst to know more.